For a long time now, I feel as if I'm running away from something, that I have yet to face up to what has been plaguing me. Out of fear, I have decided to shut myself down than to face what is out there. But no matter what I do, I understand that I cannot control what I've been so desperately trying to. But it seems easier if I don't face my problems than if I do. But is it truly easier?

I first thought it might actually be easier, even better if I emotionally shut down. That if I become as cold-hearted as I try to make myself out to be then everything will be fine. Time will pass and so will my problems. I knew that the possibility of it eating up inside me is great. I knew that one day I wouldn't be able to suppress it any more. But part of me still believes that I could. I've done it before, how hard can it be?

Part of me knew I would have to face it. But I couldn't face it now. I wasn't strong enough. And it was always better to face it later than now. But it grows and it doesn't stop growing. Maybe it is about fear. Maybe I was afraid of what would happen if I let go. That I will finally realize that what I so much want to control cannot be controlled at all. That I can't handle what is out there when I do face my problems.

I can't do it. It's easier to walk away from who I am. To run from what has been tearing me apart. Even though I understand that it is in actuality harder than I first believed. It's who I am or who I want to be.